by: Madeline G.
Entry Date: June 2009
No new entry
Entry Date: November 2008
Life and the Times of Madeline G.
Starting drugs wasn’t the hard part for me- it was when I decided to stop. At the age of seventeen, my life was falling apart. During school, I was always an academic, grade a student, but shortly after just a few months I had turned into a high school dropout drug addict. All I wanted was to get high. My drug of choice was more, no label, just more. I had turned into a depressed, self loathing zombie. I couldn’t do anything without being high, yet I couldn’t do anything when I was high. Laughing, conversing, feelings, emotions and even words were a thing of the past for me. I felt like this wasn’t going to be it for me. I had felt like there was more to this life than just getting high. In September 2004, I was first introduced to a support group. There were people like me, trying to get clean and recover, who were my own age. They were laughing and talking, and I wanted that again. I was scared, but I thought that I could get clean or check myself out of this life. I decided to go to detox. During my time in detox, I learned that there were treatment facilities that could help me to stay clean and start a journey of recovery. It was a four month treatment program for young adults. I learned a lot about myself that I never wished to look at before. For example, I worked on self-esteem, how to love and respect myself, how to set boundaries in my life, why I was an addict, and how drugs affected me. All things that I had no idea about while using. When I got clean, I was able to start rebuilding a bridge, which was burned while abusing drugs, with my family. One day at a time, I was able to pull nine months of continuous clean time together. I went to meetings, had support with new friends and family and tried to stay self aware of my actions, thoughts and behaviours. But by letting those things slide, I started hanging out with a guy who was still active in addiction and one thing lead to another, and I was getting high again. After that experience, I realized that I had to give up all my old friends, the places I used and that I could not associate with people who did drugs. Recovery has been a main focus in my life. I know have three years continuous clean time, and I have done the things that are suggested to me, like going to meetings, staying connected and to continually reach out. I’m not going to lie; this life has not been an easy road. I have a secondary illness, chronic depression. I have seen many physiatrists and counsellors, and I have even struggled to get out of bed some days. I continually struggle with motivation and ambition for my life, but I have learned to put one foot in front of the other and try to always do the next right thing for my life. Just trying gives me hope to go on. Knowing that I am on a better road today, not dead, overdosed or in jail has helped me to stay clean. When I want to get high, I remember how I felt at my rock bottom, full of desperation and despair and not wanting to live, and that helps me to stay clean one more day. If I have no gratitude for my life, all I have to do is walk a couple blocks by the local city homeless shelters and that fills my heart with gratitude. Some days, I feel that life owes me something, like I was dealt a bad hand of cards, or that I desire something better. But life has given me what I have gone through because I am strong enough to handle it. God doesn’t make junk.